Sports Card Blogs

Diamond Geezers: Ronaldo to be joined by Juventus teammate

It’s a brand new year, and to celebrate, I give the players half an hour off to see their families before climbing into Chugger and collecting each of them individually from their houses for the trip up to Scunthorpe. It’s the traditional New Year’s Day fixture, and I’ve clearly been far too lenient over the Christmas period. Ferdinand, Møller, Underwood, Mustafa and Kah are all 90% turkey, and since we’ve got Rotherham next in the FA Cup third round, I decide to ring the changes. Darby and Ronaldo start together up top, I switch out my back four for fresher legs, and it’s almost an entirely changed XI, but I have faith in my squad to get it done. The ones who went for a run or two over Christmas, anyway.

The Iron have recovered from their dismal start and now sit 14th in the league, partly thanks to the heroics of a certain Billy Turley in goal. I tell every one of our players to give him a firm high-five as we head out at Glanford Park in the hope that it might hurt his arms.

It’s a tough game, but we manage to come through unscathed. Our high fives serve only to warm up Turley’s wrists, and he saves from Darby, Brandon and Ronaldo throughout. At the other end, Pinheiro keeps us in it with a couple of fine stops of his own, and we go in 0-0 at half time. I let the second half start, but eventually throw on Ferdinand and Pflipsen to try to grab us the winner. They don’t have the impact I really want, but in the end, on-loan right winger I’m playing at left back Wayne Carlisle appears at the far post to tap in a Chris Brandon cross. I have my defensive players to thank (not you, Colosimo) for a narrow win in a game where we haven’t played well at all. But we have won, and news filters in from elsewhere that Swansea have only managed a draw at home to Plymouth. Our lead at the top extends to 11 points.

Straight after the final whistle it’s back on the bus. Next stop: Rotherham. Continuing our trend of glamorous cup ties, we travel to Millmoor to meet the team flat bottom of Division One. Defensive midfielder Stewart Talbot is by far their best player – he’s shortlisted for later – and their second best, striker Paul Warne, is injured. The players are nerveless as they prepare to face their third Division One opponent of the season. We’ve trounced the others. Can we do the same here?

The lads knock together a fabulous first half that’s only spoiled by Ian Gray in the Rotherham goal, who keeps the scoreline down to just 3-0 at the break. The first is scored by Møller in the 9th minute, with Ferdinand adding a second seven minutes later. We are hammering efforts from all angles courtesy of the Great Dane, Sir Les, and KH ‘Karlie’ Pflipsen, and the German international (you’re allowed to call them that after one cap, aren’t you?) thunders home our third right before half-time.

The game looks comfortable, so I start making changes to rest my tiring midfield – Brandon and Farnerud make way for Davies and Carey. Rotherham try to stage a late comeback, and we’re grateful to Pinheiro for making several excellent saves, but in truth, it was more of a gesture than a real attempt to reclaim the game. This was done by the break, and we march on in the FA Cup.

Post-match, I hear that I’ve made my first expiring-contract theft of the season. The summer will see Northern Ireland U21 international Aidan McVeigh join us from Ayr United, a team we seem to have lots of common transfers with. They have Simon Wormull and tried for Greg Lincoln, while I’m taking McVeigh and tried for Neil Scally a while ago. Aidan’s Finishing 18, Strength 19 will be a very handy thing to have in reserve next year. I also have a number of other fine young Scottish-based lads in negotiation – I’ll keep you posted at the end of the season with who we end up getting.

The Fourth Round of the FA Cup is drawn, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s an away draw. And guess who we’ve got to play? My beloved Brentford, yet again. This is the game’s way of causing me pain; it can’t justify beating me with one shot on target, or having its goalkeepers save every shot we take, so instead it forces me to thrash the team I love. I see you, Sports Interactive. I know you’re reading this.

Trelleborg have been relegated in Sweden and half their squad have release clauses triggered – I pull up my poaching pants and make unreasonably low bids for Mikael Danielsson, Ola Larsson, Martin Persson and Martin Andersson. Combined, the four would cost me £360k and could all walk straight into my starting team.

I also make a further tearful bid for Kennedy Bakircioglu now that he’s actually standing in the bleakness of the Swedish First Division on a part-time wage in the hope that he might see the light.

Next up is Carlisle at home in the league. We’ve already splattered them in the cup this season, so my concerns about them are minimal. I go full-strength in this game so that I can rest almost everyone in the next one against god-awful Hartlepool in time for the following one, which is our away game at Bournemouth in the Vans Trophy.

It’s a very strong starting line-up, and to be honest, I don’t even go to look at Carlisle’s tactics or players. Let’s get ’em, lads.

Instantly from kick-off Tarkan Mustafa wipes out Stephen Halliday in the box, but our superb referee Bernard Law waves away the penalty appeals with a discourteous flick of his wrist. Then we go straight up the other end, win a corner which Underwood swings in, and Ferdinand is backed into slightly by Lee Andrews – PENALTY DIAMONDS! Law quite rightly books Andrews for his heinous crime and Underwood steps up to smash the spot-kick past Tony Roberts.

We exchange a few chances with Carlisle, who I forget have Richie Foran up front and Johnny Allan on the bench, and Pinheiro has to be alert to prevent the former from netting the equaliser. Then, towards the end of the half, Byron Bubb dramatically faints near Stuart Whitehead in the box. The referee spots this clear infringement and awards us a second penalty. The commentary notes that “Bubb appeared to dive” and that the “Carlisle players protest furiously”, but from where I was standing, stonewall penalty clear as day ref. Underwood steps up and duly scores his and our second of the day right on the half-time whistle.

The second half is a slightly different story, though with a similar outcome. Law, who seems to be distracted while counting a roll of £5 notes he pulled from his shorts pocket, is no longer penalising Carlisle for using their legs or breathing, and they summarily start being good. Johnny Allan is on with Foran and they are both hitting the target regularly – Pinheiro needs to be on top form to deny them both as the half ticks over. I make a few changes to keep the team fresh, but Carlisle are pushing, and Freddie the Fence is forced to clear off the line from Allan – who rejected my end-of-contract offer and re-signed with Carlisle instead. I might go for him again in the summer, the little sod.

Peter Møller eventually does what he always seems to do when we’re under the cosh – single-handedly scores a goal which, in this case, makes the game safe. The Great Dane is all abs and elbows up top, and eventually he darts to meet a low Mustafa cross and taps in at the near post for 3-0. The game ends, and the result looks more comfortable than it was; Pinheiro’s match rating tells you everything you need to know about that second half.

Persson and Danielsson are both playing hard to get and reject my advances, so I forlornly add them both on MySpace. Martin Andersson, however, has fallen for my wooing and joins us for just £75k. He is versatile, fit and hard-working, and at just 22, he’s a player for the long term. Simon Colosimo is subsequently told that he can go warm a bench in the reserves.

Tarkan Mustafa, whose position will be immediately threatened by Andersson, is being courted by Wolves and Middlesbrough for £500k. I put a nice flower in his hair and tell him to enjoy himself.

We await Hartlepool yet again, and as they arrive at Nene Park, I decide that I’m going to make ten changes from the team that beat Carlisle. Only Pinheiro retains his spot in goal, but otherwise, it’s a completely new team. Andersson makes his debut at RB, young Daniel Talbot makes only his second appearance at LB, Carey and Sambrook are either side of Davies in midfield and young Cristiano will get a further chance to impress alongside Duane Darby. Hartlepool are truly awful, with only Ritchie Humphreys a bright spark, so I hope my much-changed side can do the business here.

Quite frankly, everyone lives up to expectation in this match. Hartlepool have gathered their entire team around the penalty area with no interest in even approaching the halfway line, let alone crossing it, and you can’t play like that against my lads. The first 20 minutes pass with no commentary, which is concerning for a short spell, but after that we rip them apart. Jamie Davies smashes into the top corner for 1-0, before Michael Barron knocks Duane Darby to the ground in the area and our second consecutive excellent referee points to the spot. Darby dusts himself down to convert, and we lead 2-0 at the break.

The second half starts encouragingly and it only takes five minutes for Ronaldo to pull off one of his party tricks. Darby lobs the ball to him on the edge of the area, our young haircut lets it bounce and smashes a thunderbastard half-volley past Tony Williams from 25 yards. The partnership between my two strikers has been great in every match they’ve played together, and they continue to trouble Williams in goal for Hartlepool – but they can’t add to the score, and we see the game out for another satisfying win.

Had we not beaten Pools I would have been very disappointed, but still – this whole exercise was treated very professionally and the result is highly satisfying. Especially seeing young Ronnie pulling goals like that out of the bag. His stats might be crap, but he is definitely the player we all know and love.

Hartlepool trudge off, defeated and smelly, and more great news follows: after some industrious end-of-contract bartering from your man, a certain future Italian international centre-half will be looking for flat shares in Irthlingborough in the summer. I assume he’ll be watching our next game against Bournemouth in the Vans Trophy…

Mike Paul – employ him